chatting, dating, life

Disclosure

I’m an oversharer.

I mean, duh.

During Blogtober I’ve been like, blah blah blah my feelings my literal mental health hey guys guess what dumb thought I had yesterday. In saying that, I guess I have limits. I have an idea for a blog about my RELATIONSHIP with my BODY which I can’t yet touch out of awkwardness (it feels too personal for even ME to read, like I’d be intruding on someone else’s business). And I have one drafted that’s called “I Eat Because” which I cannot post in good faith because it is extremely Fourteen Year Old Writes Deep Poetry and when I re-read it just now I felt my cringe pull my stomach into my butt, so, yeah.

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It made me make THIS face.

I have learnt that oversharing has other names. “Crazy” is one. “No boundaries” is another. Dan Savage talks about how holding back some things is an indicator of good judgement. All of this is sensible! Roll out things when you need to, share when it’s appropriate. I just don’t have that gene. Holding things back makes me feel guilty, like I’m lying or being dishonest. If someone asks me a question my instinct is to just tell them the answer; even if it leaves me vulnerable. (Yeah, I think this is where that “good judgement” lark comes in. Actual self protection. I’ll consider it.)

In saying that, online dating has definitely helped me figure out what fits into the “That’s a Cute Fact” bucket and what sits in the “That’s Just For Your Therapist” information.

And it was all because of just one person. We’ll call him J, because his name started with that letter, and I’m not creative enough to give him a fake one. He listed on his profile that he had had some unconventional relationships. Some that people might find inappropriate. Ahhh, J, I thought. You’ve boned a dude. (Me too; I can’t judge). But no, the next piece of data was that he had kissed a man once and didn’t like it.

Wow, J. Yes, disclosure is good. But… now? As part of your personal marketing campaign?

He did get one thing right in his self-marketing, which is the element of mystery. I had to know who this unconventional relationship was with. Unconventional and inappropriate… an age difference? A colleague? No. Wait. I bet it’s his cousin.

I messaged him and asked, and he confirmed it. It was his first cousin, too. But she was “smoking hot” if that’s any consolation.

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Now. This information is definitely good to share with a partner. One needs to be open and honest. There are some things you definitely need to disclose. If you’ve been to jail. Been addicted to meth. Boinked a relative.

But when?

Before you’re exclusive? Or maybe just before doing anything permanent … pre-marriage, pre-breeding, pre-matching-tattoos? My lunch pal Nathan said as long as you told your partner before you were on your deathbed it was fine. Nathan’s wife should probably ask him a few pointed questions.

I’d like to think I learned a lesson from J. That sharing too much too early is a sign of poor judgement, that testing someone to see how much weirdness they can handle from a stranger is not a good test for if they will be a good partner. But then October 1 arrived and I gleefully opened the front doors of my brain and invited the internet to come in for a party.

So maybe I’ll learn a lesson later. In November. October’s busy enough.

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