I’ve been on the dating apps now for a few months, and thus I now consider myself an expert in the field. I know which way to swipe. I’ve got witty openers. I can tell you with near perfect accuracy which ones are huuuuuge fans of Joe Rogan’s podcast.
Despite my newfound skillset, sometimes I find myself yearning for simpler times. The apps are so impersonal, so digital. Where’s the humanity? Where are the pheromones? What did we do back in the old days?
Meeting at work was a popular one, one I can myself attest to. I’ve met more than one boyfriend at work, and what a wonderful easy thing it was, how much simpler it made life, until the day you had a fight in the morning and an hour later had to sit across from him in a meeting room saying “great idea, man” through your nostrils.
People also talk about meeting a partner through “friends of friends”. I’ve literally never been set up, never in my 34 years, which is why I despise every last one of my friends and am actively looking for replacements.
Then what’s left? The pub? Fantastic lighting and alcohol doesn’t seem like the best place to make an honest assessment about a person’s facial symmetry or parallel parking ability (really the main things I’m looking for in a relationship).
Years ago I remember reading about how in the 90s people would intentionally place their bananas pointing up in their supermarket trolley, to transmit an unspoken signal. Bananas thrusting towards to the ceiling meant you were single. I mean, that’s great, but what happens next? Do you strike up a conversation about the best brand of laundry detergent? Scribble your address on your fuel voucher and slip it in their bags? Meet in the carpark for a root?
Still, we shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Just because we have the apps now doesn’t mean we should give up on these tried and tested methods. So let’s take some lessons from the past! Turn on some Roxette, throw on our shoulder pads, and go pull some fellas at the supermarket!
I don’t understand the logic behind a full bunch of bananas pointing up. It’s ambiguous. How many “bananas” am I trying to attract to my “basket”?! I don’t know what sort of girl you think I am, but I am definitely not out here trying to take home a whole group, that sounds like an awful lot of complex logistics and effort. And what would happen in the event of accidental pregnancy? I have to do a Mamma Mia style Greek island wedding for my daughter and invite the four randos I picked up at Coles 25 years prior?
No THANK you. I suggest going for a more straightforward approach.
Of course, bananas are a 90s signal. Old hat. Your grandmother’s thirst trap. The millennials are having none of it. Bananas are high in sugar (what?! CALORIES?!) and they also tend to be long and thin. The popularisation of everything needing to be “thicc” meant at some point the world needed a new universally-understood phallic symbol. A far more girthy one.
For optimum results just hold it near your face and smile widely at strangers.
Did you know that the rates of chlamydia and gonorrhoea are rising year on year? And syphilis? And HIV? I don’t want to pour a bucket of cold water over the clear eroticism of this post, but Australians have got to prioritise their health! I am a prim and proper safety-conscious gal looking to attract someone similar, so why not cut straight to the chase and just linger in the most important part of the supermarket?
Grab a few boxes, gander at the particulars. Peruse the ingredient list on the KY Jelly (I did this for you, as research for this post. Let’s give it up for hydroxyethyl cellulose! Wow, I really am ratcheting up the sensual energy in this very sexy blog).
When men walk past, waggle the box of condoms at them so it rattles. You know, like how you might attract the attention of a small baby or dog. Watch the safety-conscious fellas line up for your phone number and hand in marriage.
Safe sex not your thing? No worries! Skip the condoms entirely and instead hover near the baby and toddler items. Hold up tubs of formula and make “awwww” noises over the labels. Coo over the soft fabrics. Go one step further and hold them to your face and sigh. When a potential baby daddy walks past, ask about his family health history.
Gotta Catch ‘Em All
Of course, these are niche markets. Men who want to practice safe sex OR men who are happy to impregnate strangers do cover most of the venn diagram of ‘all straight men’, but there are still a few groups this leaves out.
In order to cover all your bases and scoop as many fellas into your net as possible, just stand near the men’s toiletries and make polite chit-chat about the items they choose to put into their cart. Puns will make all the difference, here, too. “Lynx Africa? Are you some kind of ANIMAL in bed? Get it? Because of the African savannah? Do you like the Lion King? Hey, where are you going?”.
Tinder schminder. Bumble be damned. With these tips you’ll be attached in no time.
Good luck out there shoppers!