We need to say goodbye. No, not forever! Come back, don’t pout! I’m sorry. I should have worded this better. I’ve never been good at this sort of thing.
What I mean to say is, we need to take a little break. I’m going to Fiji in a few hours, and part of the whole holiday-on-an-island thing means that the internet has to stay at home.
I know, I know. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you either.
What if someone I went to high school with shares a picture of a cat doing something funny?
What if one of the chocolate bars I have subscribed to—yes, ‘one of’, and it’s a surprisingly high number—has something witty to say?
What if one of my overly dramatic acquaintances changes their relationship status from ‘It’s Complicated’ to ‘Single’, and I get to savour that delicious internal struggle of wondering whether I hit ‘Like’, send well wishes, or post a mildly offensive e-card?
But it’s not just the emotional rollercoasters that I love you for, Facebook.
You lovingly reward me with a little globe, all lit up, so that I know that my newly single friend’s old workmate likes my link.
And if that isn’t enough, the numbers on my globe climb higher and higher, keeping me up to date on how my newly single friend knows an awful lot of people who cannot spell “condolences”.
Oh, Facebook. You know you’re the only one for me. I attempt to tweet but feel like I’m just yelling into a void of celebrity witticisms. I’m on Pinterest daily but am not sure how looking at pictures of caramel really counts as engaging with social media.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I will definitely enjoy the relaxation and the delicious pina coladas in Fiji.
But while I dig my toes into that white hot sand, squinting into the sun, there’ll be a little piece of my heart at home, wondering what Snickers is up to.