Kate’s Vanilla Oats: for people with problems

So you’ve got some problems you need solved:

1. You want a high-protein meal
2. You’re really hungry
3. You want comfort food.

Well, read on! This recipe will solve all of your problems, and more!

KATE’S VANILLA OATS: FOR PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS

Prep time: 1 minute
Cooking time: 3 minutes
Serves: 1

Step One

Scoop some vanilla protein powder into your protein shaker. Consider how much it looks like cocaine. Consider that you don’t really know what cocaine looks like, and that any knowledge you have is garnered from watching Scarface. Consider that you didn’t mean Scarface, because you fell asleep the one time you tried to watch it. Realise that really what you’re thinking about is the parody Lonely Island did with Michael Bolton.

Step Two

Add some water, because you are too scared to use the work milk, because what if that little lady from HR comes in while you’re using it and asks questions? Shake. Keep shaking. Shake enough that maybe your right arm will eventually look bigger than your left arm. Consider how you may one day resemble one half of a… female… Popeye.

Step Three

Consider drinking your protein shake then tending to your greedy stomach void. Instead, give in to perverse desire to mix food together (which extends even to the point of ripping all of the bread up and dropping it into the soup at the beginning of the meal, to form little carbohydrate buoys in a pumpkin pond).

Tip contents of shaker over half a cup of rolled oats in a pyrex. Accidentally drop the little metal thing into the dish, every damn time. Fish out the little metal thing.

Step Four

Pop it in the microwave. Meanwhile, do a quick rinse of the shaker. I’m sure you’re familiar with the five-second-rule: that food is fine to eat off the floor as long as you get to it within five seconds. A similar rule applies to dishes. If you are within five minutes of food touching the dish then a quick rinse is as good as a wash.

Step Five

Hang out by the microwave, acting nonchalant.

Don’t let workmates see your real excitement.

Step Six

Get it out of the microwave after two minutes. Frown at how the oats seem to be raw and still submerged in water. Pop it in for another thirty seconds.

Step Seven

Get it out of the microwave to discover that the extra thirty seconds has led to WONDEROUS ALCHEMY! Oats have absorbed the water, and it smells like hot vanilla pudding! Hop on the spot with the excitement of eating it.

Step Eight

Take a bite. Delicious! Heavenly! Warm! Sweet! Hearty! Comforting!

Take another bite. Still delicious. Still warm. Slightly… chewier.

Take a third bite. Wonder how the oats have solidified so quickly.

Stir. No. Attempt to stir. Regret using all of your muscle power earlier shaking the powder, as inserting a spoon into your meal requires elbow grease and your reserves are low.

Continue to chew your third bite. Note that the spoon will now stand up straight in the slab.

Step Nine

Sip water while chewing to lubricate the rock-hard chunks so that you can swallow it. Enjoy the vague aftertaste of vanilla… and you better REALLY enjoy it, because as this takes twenty chews before it’s down, the taste is the aftertaste is the taste again.

Step Ten

Make this every single day, because in all honesty, a solid brick of vanillaish carbohydrate mass is pretty much your idea of heaven.