When my flatmate went overseas a few months back, she left me in charge of her ‘Daily Hunk’ calendar – a daily man with a sleazy caption. She entrusted me to “take care” of her boys, ripping a new sheet off daily to see what colour nipple we’d be treated to. I “took care” of her boys by starting a blog where I wrote about what was really going on in the pics. Almost all of them ended on a big fat bummer. There’s something about their youthful optimism I just have to destroy.
Aaaand I have since forgotten the password to that blog, so, here we are.
Meet Landon, a super nice guy
With manners that are hard to come by
With muscle on arm, back and thigh
And, to boot, he’s a little bit shy.
His priority in life number one?
He really wants folks to think he’s fun
He wants to be his father’s son
(When it came to regrets, his Dad had none.)
But, alas, he’s more like his mother.
Both to Landon and to his brother
Her parenting technique was to smother
And, in her image, Landon’s another.
Their father was tall, name of Bruce
He spent his life relaxed and loose
At every party he’d play the goose
All the ladies he did seduce.
Their mother Ann lived in constant panic
Everything clean, all food organic
The idea of germs made her go manic
She managed to make all problems gigantic.
Landon tries to be carefree and light
But a spotless kitchen brings him delight
And he panics if things aren’t done right
(Like mixing his colours in with white).
He fakes a smile but finds it so taxing
To find ‘mess’ and ‘disorder’ relaxing
And then to feel his whole world collapsing
If he is late for his eyebrow waxing.
So, sure, he’ll “play” dirty and down
Wearing white shirts with stains brown
With new people he’ll be a clown
But on the inside, he wears a frown.