Pinching your pennies? Scrimping your silver? Tucking way your toonies? (Not aboot to forget you Canadians, eh). I’m here to help!
I have been saving money for the last eight months, largely as a result of seeing this poster while pottering on Pinterest:
You might point out that the poster advocates booking a ticket and just leaving… not coming up with an elaborate budget spreadsheet with auto-updating graphs and numerous formulae and thinking about it for a year and borrowing travel books from the library and returning them unread. However, my deep-seated love of spreadsheets would make “just leaving” nigh on impossible, so here we are.
Over the course of eight months of savings, I have worked out a good set of priorities for expenditure that has worked well for me:
- Dutch Mill Soy & Linseed Bread, even if it’s not on special
- Food, in general
- Anything that will make a good story, eg. “we drank Peruvian cocktails then met an Egyptian guy who tried to get us to smoke weed behind the strip club”
- New frocks
- New haircuts
- Everything else
- Gifts for loved ones.
I am just incurably selfish, apparently, and in my tight budget find it hard to justify spending money on other people. Luckily for you, over the course of the eight months I have worked out some machiavellian ways to keep your money and your friendships.
Gift Idea One: Just Forget
This one works really well if the person isn’t throwing a party or having a birthday dinner. Just… “forget”. Later, if they mention a birthday gift they have received, or what a good day they had, just say “aww, did I miss your birthday! I’m so sorry! Was it fun?”. Then employ tactical maneouvres: press your breasts against their chest, or stretch to give them a flash of those abs. Distraction is the name of the game here, kids.
Gift Idea Two: Piggyback
Convince another friend to do a big gift that you all chip in for. When the envelope full of cash is passed around, hold onto it for twenty minutes then just pass it along. Make sure to write your name in the card as large as you can. They will assume your contribution was just as large.
Gift Idea Three: I Made It Myself
Write them a poem, make them a card, knit them a scarf. Make good use of 3D items such as googly eyes, pom poms, glitter. Distract them from the lack of workmanship and effort with flash. Then press your breasts against their chest, or stretch to give them a flash of those abs.
Gift Idea Four: Make Them Feel Bad
Practiced by passive-aggressive relatives the world over. Post on their Facebook wall to wish them a happy birthday, pointing out that you might have gotten them a gift but you were too busy helping your infirm grandmother. Or say that birthday presents smack of consumerism and you think it is irresponsible to the environment to buy them. Only give this gift to people you are related to (they are stuck with you) or girls with daddy issues (they will work extra hard to win your affections back).
Gift Idea Five: Steal Something
Stealing is ideal for people on a budget, as you will end up with an item without having to spend any money.
Good luck, and happy gifting!